by Steven Dixon
Advertising director
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
What you are about to do this evening is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your world will become dim with grey clouds swirling above; buzzards fly within their midst, while Carrion crows caw at you from the gnarls of a hundred year old tree beside a cold river that has no name. Either that or you will get gum stuck to your shoes which you will never be able to remove. (Sorry, sometimes these visions are hard to read.)
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Tomorrow, to any fact that you hear, you will respond with “That’s a bunch of mularky!”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You’ve got a fever, you just don’t know it yet. And the only prescription… is MORE
COWBELL!!!
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Your attempts at making a voodoo globe will ultimately fail. Why would you want to freak everyone out anyway like that?
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
If trees could scream, would we have the audacity to cut them down? I mean, they’re big; that means their scream would be pretty loud. Perhaps we might if they screamed all the time, just for no good reason. Good day to have a discussion about it with a science teacher.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Ah, it’s your lucky day today. You get to explain to a five year old where rain comes from. It would be cute to tell them that it’s because God is crying. Careful – they like to ponder a little further. He/she is going to ask why. Again, it would be cute, to tell them it was something they did.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Still trying to figure out what to be for Halloween? I’ve got one word for ya – Betelgeuse.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
This week you will see an old man slip and fall. At first you will want to laugh. Then you will think, what if you were an ant and he landed on you? Not so funny anymore, is it?
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)
National Child Encouragement Month is this month. Just do what I do whenever I hear a kid get an answer right: Tell them it was a lucky guess. That way, they begin to develop that nice lucky feeling.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 18)
You’ve been worried about how you’re going to make money in the future. Then it hits you. You decide to write a book greatly named “Why I Throw Things.”
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
So you have decided to write a thesis trying to understand mankind. Begin by breaking the word down first and go from there – “Mank” and “ind”. What do those words even mean? Maybe that’s why it’s so mysterious. I’d just give up if I were you.