January Humorscope

by Steven Dixon

Advertising director

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19) 

Today is hug day. Go up to various people you know (or don’t know) and give them a hug, for no apparent reason.

 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) 

Time to move up the ladder a bit. You shall move from fidgeting to twiddling. But be careful.

 

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) 

This is a good month to get out there and make a difference! I’m often tempted to do that, but I just can’t figure out where “there” is; every time I get there, it’s here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference.

 

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) 

It’s generally a good idea to avoid temptation, unless you just can’t resist it.

 

Leo (July 23 – August 22) 

This week, one must remember the infamous Tom Waits quote, “The big print giveth and the small print taketh away.”

 

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Pick a day this week to not use the letter “m” in your speech. You should also avoid the number six.

 

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You have the bait. Now you just have the trouble of determining what kind of switch to use: classic or dimming.

 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) 

Remember, February is Trapper Keeper collection month. Let the competition begin.

 

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) 

Good day to drive your friends up the wall and get the social media buzzing. Tell everyone that you have a secret, but when confronted on what the secret is, do everything you can to avoid telling what it is. Besides, even you don’t know what the secret is.

 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

   Good day to walk down the street singing “do wah ditty, ditty dum ditty do,” but make sure not to go as far as walking on the wild side.

 

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You have been waiting for this upcoming weekend all month long: National Kazoo Weekend! Yes!

 

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) 

This week you will be inspired to make all of your friends’ voice mail answering messages.