by Steven Dixon

Advertising director

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You are being watched. Act casual (i.e., pretend you are wearing blue jeans and a T-shirt).

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, start make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Having the problem of people taking you too seriously? Try wearing bunny or Sesame Street slippers to school and/or work.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new smartphone should not be the reason why you do dumb things with them. (Ask Anthony Weiner.)

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Woo-hoo! It’s embarrassing pants-pulling month! Have you always wanted to embarrass someone? Well, this is the month to do it. Feel sorry for those of you who make it easy on yourself.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Focus on financial issues today. Don’t worry, it’s OK to keep putting your money in your mattress, but you might want to switch to paper money… just a thought. (It’s less jingly.)

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Don’t worry – that fortune cookie was wrong.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Your ship will come in today. Unfortunately, in today’s economy, you’re forced to sell it.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you’ve ever seen, running around the ring, although you can’t really see it unless you heat it up in a fire…

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Good time this week to go buy some helium balloons and use them (the gas, that is) to have conversations with your friends or advisers, whichever you think would bring more entertainment.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

This month is a good month to quit cold turkey. Chicken is much better for you than turkey, or maybe you should start cooking the turkey instead of always having it cold.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Ever been at your job and you get so bored and sick of doing it? Do what everyone else does: just go to the bathroom to hang out, even if you don’t need to go. Just get a change of scenery for a little bit.