by Steven Dixon
Advertising director
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your “ah-ha” moment will come to you this month, which you must pass along to the Fox network. Your clue is “In Living Color.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find a way to become rich by being part of a lawsuit against the makers of the Doggy-Doo game.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will become tired of all the brouhaha of the holidays and make up your own holiday celebration which all your friends will think is genius and celebrate with you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Someone very close to you is planning to have a baby. Make sure it’s an on-purpose baby.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
You will soon uncover the evil truth of the omnipresent iPhone. They will try to hush you. Resist and become famous worldwide; comply and you will become rich beyond your boring dreams.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
You will attempt to bring back Twister, and it will ultimately end in either an epic fail or great success among your co-workers.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to go a full day with an accent other than your own (e.g., Irish, British, Mexican or Canadian).
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
You will soon make millions by writing a red dirt country song with a rap in the middle.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Remember: Never eat December snowflakes; always wait for the January ones.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)
I know you hate to find this out through the humorscope, but those conversations that you have with your teeth will soon be heard in public. Hope you’re good at receiving ridicule.
Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 18)
Bert and Ernie are going to blow your mind this week.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
You are to contact as many people as you can from Houston and let them know that Denver has a solution.