An opinion by Steven Dixon
Advertising director
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to refer to everyone as “Doctor.” This will make them grin, and they’ll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question now is…what are you going to do with the rest of your life?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with soda top tabs. Fortunately, it will work, but you’ll need a lot of patience.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
That bad smell in the trunk of your car will get stronger. Quit ignoring it and go investigate.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
While cracking your knuckles tomorrow, you will be a bit startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop.” That’s a bad habit, anyway.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Something will come over you this month and move you to make a dramatic change in your environment. Beware of Crane Flies and used couches though.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Bad day to call someone a “poser.” Tomorrow’s better, for that one.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will need a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven’s sake, don’t forget the twine and duct tape, like you did last time.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
While poring over some old historical documents you found in the attic, you will discover that the Norman Invasion was actually supposed to be the Hubert Invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it after he murdered Hubert. Too late to change it now.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself four different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with pumpernickel bread, fresh vegetables and some excellent Gouda cheese.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ll need to sign some important papers soon. Look for any mentions of “The Traveling Gnome” or “Basketcase.”