By Brandi Bunch, Managing editor
Photo from amazon.com
A word of caution: If you are easily offended or dislike sarcasm, you will not like this review, and you will definitely dislike this book. Go play in the sunshine, pet a kitten and pretend you never saw this.
*****
Have you ever wanted to insult someone for a superficial and wholly ridiculous reason, but weren’t sure how to do so properly? Well then, this is your lucky day!
The esteemed C.H. Dalton’s 2008 “A Practical Guide to Racism” will handily inform you of exactly what to be aware when encountering a person of another race. You may send thank you letters to publisher Gotham Books.
This exemplary treatise on the reasons why you should dislike anyone who isn’t you includes highlights on all the major races: Hispanics, Jews, Whites, Indians (and Injuns), Blacks, Asians, Merpeople, Arabs, Gypsies and Women.
The book offers numerous insights as to the facts surrounding these races, several of which I will now present here as a preview of sorts (Fair warning: The easily offended should turn back while they still can. I’m serious. Run.).
Hispanics are generally a friendly people, though they are “prone to narcolepsy in the afternoon hours” and “all practice either voodoo or Catholicism.”
The Jews are a hard-working, intelligent people who would be much more beloved by the world were it not for their unfortunate habit of “drinking the blood of Christian babies.”
Whites are tremendously insecure because White people are made up of all races in much the same way that white light is made of all colors, and thus possess the worst qualities of them all. This is why you never see emo kids of any other color. Also, they exhibit “a crippling inability to jump”. They just can’t do it.
Indians are a swarthy, bendy set of people whose scientists are renowned for “developing a wide range of spicy, delicious laxatives.” Indians are not to be confused with Injuns, a secretive, mysterious race who only leave their reservations to attack wagon trains and build fabulous casinos.
The Blacks are a race blessed with natural athleticism and strength, which makes their males extraordinarily attractive to White women. Culturally prominent Black males often dress up as “a big momma or a mad Black woman” in order to escape these succubae. Also, every other race has stolen something from them, from Air Jordans to cornrows.
Asians are known for their perfectly trimmed facial hair, awe-inspiring skills in hand to hand combat and bizarre fetishes. Also, they stole fortune cookies from the Blacks. True story.
Merpeople are often depicted as wearing clamshell bikinis, but this stereotype could not be more false; clamshells cause a great deal of chafing, which is why many Merpeople prefer to wear sports bras instead.
Arabs are often depicted as a cruel, intolerant people. This is false; Arabs are actually “extremely sensitive.” In fact, they are so sensitive that “under stressful conditions, they are liable to spontaneously combust.” This frequently happens in crowded areas, like cafes and Israel.
Gypsies are considered the most brilliant scam artists the world has ever known, which is actually true. One of the more common Gypsy scams in known as “Marriage,” in which a beautiful Gypsy woman convinces a man to enter into a civil contract with her and slowly drains his bank account over the course of many years.
Most anthropologists do not classify Women as a separate species, but they really should. Not only are they different from normal human beings, but they become dangerous and volatile on a regular basis. It should also be noted that some women can occasionally manage to look like men, but “Hillary Clinton [is] the exception, not the rule.”
See? You cannot afford not to know this stuff.
*****
Okay, I’ll be serious. This book will make you laugh, and you will feel terrible for it.
I should also note that it has a glossary of racial epithets at the back, which I found unnecessary since the most amusing aspect of the book is the dry, textbook-ish way in which it is written. Seeing it all cut up like that sucked the funny out of it and made it very uncomfortable, and once it stops being funny, you’re just the horrible person reading off a list of racial slurs. No one wants to be that person.
There is a fair bit of language sprinkled throughout the text, but I would imagine that anyone considering reading this particular work would have a pretty thick skin. There are also some drawings that would definitely be deemed tasteless, a couple of which were actual editorial cartoons at one point. Apparently, mocking the Irish was a hobby once upon a time.
In spite of my deep and profound affection for satire, this book was occasionally uncomfortable. However, I did appreciate the effort put into mocking everything and everyone. Many of the stereotypes the author names were actual beliefs at one point, and laughing at them only makes you realize how painfully ridiculous they really are.
The existence of this book is a good sign in that regard; laughing about something is the universal sign of putting it behind you. I can only hope that no one spontaneously combusted upon reading it.
