It was bound to happen eventually. People have been urging me to find faith for as long as I’ve been an “out-of-the-closet” atheist, and it seems that their incessant proselytizing has whittled me down.

I am very proud to announce that I have found religion and would like you to join me on my quest for faith. I am no longer an atheist because I have decided to worship myself.

“Now wait a minute, Dustin,” you might be saying. “You aren’t seriously suggesting…”

The answer is yes, I am. I did a lot of soul searching and decided that I, Dustin Curry, am God.

I’m sure that revelation may come as a surprise to many of you, but have no fear, you can learn all about my new religion by reading a copy of the Book of Dustin—the holy guide to the First United Dustinian Church of Latter Day Saints (FUDCLDS). Inside the Book of Dustin is everything you need to know about becoming a faithful, obedient Dustinian.

The Church, of course, recognizes me as sole deity and prophet, and thus recognizes a number of holidays and traditions.

First of all, Church members are expected to wear appropriate clothing. Dustinian outerwear may vary, but the faithful Dustinians wear special, magical underwear. Men and women of the Church generally wear special blessed, black and lacy lingerie under their street clothes.

The Holy Lingerie, when worn by the most blindly faithful, has the ability to resist sexually transmitted diseases and cure athlete’s foot.

Additional traditions in the Church include celebration on Nov. 2, also known as Dustimas. This date is, of course, the anniversary of our Lord’s birth.

He was born to a cheap stripper in Reno and a drunken Irish man with six teeth.

Dustimas is usually celebrated with the consumption of cheap tequila, lots of drunken dancing and, of course, a gift exchange.

Now, many of you may ask, “Dustin, what right do you have to create your own religion?”

To that I retort, “Why not? The Scientologists did it.”

There are many perks to worshiping me as God. I am almost entirely benevolent, I don’t hate gays, porn, or adultery and I think wearing mixed fabrics is ok (especially if you’re wearing those 5percent spandex boxer briefs).

What’s more, during church services, we sing hit songs by Journey and Queen instead of traditional hymns, and new members are baptized in RC Cola.

As I learned more about religion, through this newfound “crisis of faith,” I began to learn a lot more about myself as well.

By putting myself and my happiness above all other beliefs and distractions, I began to find a renewed sense of self-worth and confidence. By worshipping myself, I realized that I don’t have to live for anyone else but me.

I found that I can believe in friends, family, sex, art, Katy Perry and the million other things that make my life the best one that I could ever imagine having.

So maybe there is someone reading this text who isn’t satisfied with his or her current state of belief or disbelief in an established religion.

I therefore implore you to consider what happiness and comfort might come to you if you take the time to make yourself the central being of your universe.

The most important person you should believe in is yourself.

And if, perhaps, believing in yourself doesn’t work, you are always welcome to throw away your current god and accept me as the center of your universe— because I can actually prove that I exist.