We are not responsible for what happens if you take this seriously.
By Steven Dixon, Advertising director
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
You’ve made it your life mission to find the best crab cakes and coffee in Durant and then share this information with the general public. Truly, you are one of America’s unsung heroes.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else loves, or likes you for that matter, very much.
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20)
The police will detain you this month, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20)
Bring extra. You’re gonna need it.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22)
Have a special Web site name in mind? Or, do you have one yourself? Look up its worth on valuethewebsite.com
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22)
Don’t let school get in the way of your education.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22)
The shoe will be on the other foot this week, leading to severe discomfort, unflagging embarrassment and a sudden spill down some stairs.
Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22)
Strange impulses you can neither explain nor describe compel you to withdraw your entire life savings, drive to Winstar and bet it all on red.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Years of enduring the constant, numbing pain of existence will end today when you discover a magical drink called “whiskey” that makes all your problems disappear.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Sometimes in life, you have to put your fear aside and stand up for what you believe in. Thankfully for you, today’s situation isn’t one of those times. Run away screaming like a little girl and hope it doesn’t end up on Youtube.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20)
Buy some aloe for that sunburn you picked up over spring break. Also, consider the consequences of your more painful decisions for the sake of the future; is avoiding tan lines really worth the ability to sit down without crying?
Aquarius (Jan. 21 – Feb. 18)
The stars blah blah blah, exciting life changes blah blah blah and a journey over water leading to something blah blah blah. Don’t feed the squirrels.