Spencer Weddle, Staff Writer

Can you feel it in the air? I’m not talking about cheer or merriment. I’m talking about the upcoming war. I’m not talking about a war in a foreign country. I’m talking about the war on Christmas.

That’s right. Jimmy get the gun, someone has declared a war on Christmas. We have to be strapped and ready to fight this thing as soon as possible. Before anyone gets too pumped up though, there’s something I need to say, the war on Christmas is fake. It’s fake like The Real Housewives (ironic right?), like Duck Dynasty.

For those who don’t know let me say this real quick; reality TV is not reality. It’s roughly the same as professional wrestling, a TV show.

Some people think it’s real. We constantly hear the complaints of a certain religious group babbling on about a war on Christmas.

First, what is Christmas? It’s the Christian celebration of the birth of Jesus. Who Christians believe would go on to live a perfect life, die on a cross for everyone’s sins, come back to life and ascend into the sky.

Now that it is established that Christmas is a Christian celebration. Let’s tackle the part of the war on Christmas that has to deal with “Happy Holidays”. There is a portion of the Christian population who take “Happy Holidays” as an attack on Christmas. To that I say, not everyone celebrates Christmas.

Some people celebrate the Jewish festival of lights known as Hanukkah. Some people celebrate Kwanzaa.  This is centered on the seven principles of life: unity, self-determination, collective work and responsibility, cooperative economics, purpose, creativity and faith.

Hindus celebrate Pancha Ganapati in honor of Lord Ganesha. The Germanic winter festival, known as Yule, is celebrated in late December. Also, if you’re old school, Yalda, or Winter Solstice is celebrated this time of year.

When someone says, “Happy Holidays”, they’re not attacking Christmas. They’re simply acknowledging that Christmas isn’t the only holiday celebrated around this time of year and they want to say something that includes everything.

On the flip side, I have never wished someone a “Merry Christmas” and their response was to get offended and try to settle the dispute in a violent manner. If someone did get all huffy and puffy over me not using the all inclusive phrase “Happy Holidays” my response would be for them to “Go suck on a candy cane, you overly politically correct douche elf.” Their response is usually something like a simple smile followed by “you too” or “thank you”.

Now that I’ve taken care of that, let’s talk about this other issue that some people have with putting “Xmas” instead of “Christmas”. Yes, this is a real issue for some people. I remember writing “Xmas” on cards when I was five or six, not because I was trying to take “Christ” out of Christmas, but because I had trouble spelling Christmas when I was that age. I also had trouble saying my “r’s” when I was that age. Are you going to make fun of me for that too? How dare you make fun of a 5-year-old for having trouble with “r’s”; you bunch of jerks.

On to a more serious matter, Rudolph. Get out of my Christmas songbook, you red-nosed, talking reindeer. How dare someone try to add a fun kids song to a holiday based on cheerfulness and merriment. I bet that red nose is a sign you need to go to rehab, Rudolph. Him and Frosty, clearly an attack on Christmas, I type in a sarcastic tone.

Bottom line here is wake up and smell the eggnog I just spiked. Christians, quit being so hypersensitive that you see everything as an attack on you. It is simply people acknowledging that there are people of many different faiths that celebrate different things around this time of year. That’s why it was moved to this time of year. So it could coincide with all the other holidays. There is no war on Christmas, there never was.

Actually, now that I’ve had time to think about it, there was a war on Christmas. No worries though that ended a long time ago. It ended when, to quote Christopher Titus, “The nuclear bomb against the real meaning of Christmas was launched. It was called the credit card companies.”