by Steven Dixon
Advertising director
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Ever get into one of those “Do Not, Do Too, Do Not, Do Too” arguments? Just say “Do 86,” and you’ll both be happy!
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I’ve won the “International Yahoo Open” two years running.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
This week, you’ll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that someone has a ferret clinging to their head.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case, that simply means putting the one dollar bill in front of the five, in your wallet.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Soon darkness will surround you, and a deep chill will run down your spine, which makes sense, as you’ve forgotten to pay both your heating and electricity bills.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will soon learn to fear and loathe the word “diaper.” Don’t know why.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’ll find a penny while walking. Surprisingly, it will be the key to a wonderful change in your life. The trick is just to figure out what you can do with a penny these days.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Is your roommate keeping you up late at night? Here’s a tip to keep them from talking too much. Buy a Barbie doll, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming “Shut up, Barbie! Shut up!”
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
The stress of returning from spring break may feel overwhelming, but don’t worry: only a couple of days left…until the end of THIS week at least.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Beware of strangers bearing Jell-O.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
This week, don’t believe anything Jason says.