by Steven Dixon
Advertising director
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will begin to study the theory of why a shampoo that “tingles” would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn’t.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware, a door-to-door end-of-days arms dealer will stop by this week. Although you won’t be entirely sure how you let yourself get talked into it, albeit at a very cheap price, you’ll soon be the first on the block to own a rocket launcher.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Someone will try to offer you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm. Let someone else have the result of unruly gas.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t freak out, but a man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven’t borrowed any money from your parents lately, I hope?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will unearth a small stone figurine while preparing your garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, that “situation” you got going on should clear up in a week or two. Don’t have a “situation”? Don’t worry, you’ll have one soon.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will literally become your best friend. You will be the only one able to see him. Trust me, you don’t want this. Start taking better care of yourself.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You should learn something from your cat — no matter what you’ve done wrong, you can always try to make it look like the dog did it.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You have come up with the brilliant idea to replace your standard steering wheel with the handlebars of your bicycle. Hopefully you will soon realize maybe that wasn’t such a good idea.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Great news! You will invent a new type of bath toy next month; it will bring you fame and fortune. Bad news: It will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
It is National Food Preparation week next week. Make sure your friends and family have their food handler licenses before accepting food from them.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
This is not a good week to start a new romance. Particularly not a new romance based on a personals classified ad on Craigslist. Some people put a value on their internal organs, just saying.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly enough, you will be completely taken in. Crazy thing is, you will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out in the cafeteria.