by Steven Dixon
Advertising director
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Beware: This week you will have the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere. But do not despair; it will come in handy while dining at a nice restaurant.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Now that you have perfected that stiff upper lip, you discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself but not the other. This, of course, will aggravate you. Well, back to the mirror to spend the majority of the day correcting the situation.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
It’s high time you started messing with your friends on Facebook or via text message. Use translate.google.com to reply in Latin. You can go one step further and attach photos that have nothing to do with what you are saying. Why? Quidni?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
So what if you lost the bet that Michelle Duggar would never get pregnant again. Don’t worry; it’s not to late to get in on the action of Justin Bieber becoming fat and forgotten.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will figure out what is wrong with your car this week. It appears that it has developed a sick sense of humor.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This month you will become entranced by a single thought: What if Jesus had actually said, “The geek shall inherit the earth” but was somehow misquoted?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You have been looking for those infamous15 minutes of fame. Well, it’s finally arrived. All you have to do it is hop on ebay and buy that human slinky costume.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Just keep in mind that there are three kinds of people in this world: those who are good at math, and those who aren’t.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
While reflecting back on this past year, you come to the grand conclusion that the police never think it’s as funny as you do.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You know you’re going hard at bingo when you bust a chair.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Finals week is coming soon, and you feel like you haven’t studied enough. Compare Jesus’ and MacGyver’s answers to what they would do in this situation and go with the more logical one.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Something will strike you as odd today: Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?