by Steven Dixon
Advertising director
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Tomorrow you will pull something up from your collective unconsciousness, but after a moment reflecting on it, you will toss it back.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This is a good month to start practicing, for hours (because it takes a lot of practice), keeping a stiff upper lip.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will lose your marbles. But don’t worry; someone will find and return them to you tomorrow.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will find out this month that the best-used tool in debate is crying.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Don’t worry about all those who laugh as you play volleyball by yourself on SE’s sand courts. They’re just jealous of your skill, and don’t know how else to react.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will be asked out this week to go out for a beer. However, you will leave your date when you arrive at A&W.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
While out hunting, you will come across a curious scene and won’t know what to do. Three deer will be standing over and watching a man who is asleep and snoring.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will acquire a new grudge this month at not being abducted by aliens. Ah, but have no fear; you are the victim of a government conspiracy involving taxes.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Christmas is coming up, and you’re strapped for cash. Easy solution: Use the money you would use for gas by joining the Shriners. You will get a company car that gets excellent mileage.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will soon give all those people who believe they have seen a silhouette of Jesus on their morning toast a run for their money. You will see Jerry Garcia’s image in your Fruit Loops.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
This weekend you will find a huge fault to your motto of “anytime, anywhere.” Unfortunately, there is a 50 percent chance this fault will entail nudity.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will soon meet a hilariously disturbed young man who believes that if it didn’t happen in “The Velveteen Rabbit,” it doesn’t exist. Unfortunately, he seems to be at Walmart every time you are, and he will persist in talking to you.