by Steven Dixon
Advertising director
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Wanting a different seat in any of your classes? You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blow gun, you can usually get any seat in the room, no matter how crowded it is.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren’t you? The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination – mayonnaise becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes compressed compost and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
It’s a joyous time to vacuum! Yes, you’ll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what if other people don’t understand?
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
It’s National Pregnancy Awareness Month this month. Although if you’re pregnant, I’m sure you’re aware of it. Just be careful in assuming the awareness of other pregnant women because they may not be pregnant after all.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
All your friends know that you love to style hair. They know you’re so good at it that they will call/text for you to come do their hair. But remember, in case you’re not from Oklahoma, females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Have you ever been told, “You need a reality check”? I’ve always wondered what amount is on that check. I’ve never known anyone to receive one, so it must be a pretty penny.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Sometime this month, you will begin to wonder if you are bipolar, if you haven’t already done so. You also discover it’s difficult for you to make a decision on your own, plus you get distracted easily… SQUIRREL!
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Good time this month to start going to Southeastern sports games dressed as Mel Gibson’s character in Braveheart (yes, blue makeup on the face and all).
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Your lucky days this month are going to be Thursdays. Unfortunately you will also get the hiccups, and no matter how hard or what you try, you will be unable to get rid of them all day.
Capricorn (December 22-January 20)
Some people have said that you tend to show off a lot and sometimes frivolously. Your goal this month is to illustrate these characteristics with sticky notes at work or in class, your choice.
Aquarius (January 21-February 18)
Time to get prepared for hunting season! Got enough ammo? Is your blind or tree stand still in good working order? Emailed Dick Cheney for hunting advice?
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Now with Steve Jobs out of the way, time for you to make your mark on Apple. I would begin with whittling one. Make it look like Jesus. Hey, there has been odder things that look like Him – burnt toast, corn flakes, even cheese.